Category Archives: Silliness

Rants, Silliness

License to Mock

5 Comments

When it comes to the end of the world, some folks assume it’s going to be brought about by a group of mad scientists. Another theory is that lawyers will destroy it. The lawyers will almost certainly be involved, but it wouldn’t be fair to put the full blame on them either. No, the end of the world will be the responsibility of Apple Computers CEO Steve Jobs.

A few days ago I decided to make one of my rare online music purchases. Most of the music I acquire online is made available for free by independent artists such as Tom Smith or the various members of the Funny Music Project. Other music purchases tend to be actual CDs so I can play them wherever I want to. But sometimes I only want one or two songs, and that’s when I use iTunes.

It’s not that I’m particularly fond of iTunes, quite the opposite really. I don’t own an iPod and getting the songs to play in the car or on anything other than my PC involves jumping through a number of hoops. (So far, Apple hasn’t taken me up on my quite generous offer to evaluate an iPhone.) But all the other online music stores also seem to be tied to a particular device and early on at least, Apple seemed to have the largest selection of songs. (Though they still don’t have The Beatles.)

It’s been a while since the last time I bought anything through iTunes and the version of the software on my computer is kind of dated. It plays the music just fine which is what I’m most concerned with, but to actually go and buy a song, Apple requires you to have the most recent version of the software.

So I downloaded the latest version of the iTunes software and set out to install it. Unsurprisingly, when you install the new version, you have to agree to the latest version of Apple’s software license agreement. This is a key element in Steve Jobs’ plans for destroying the world.

Apple makes it very easy for you to agree to their license terms. Or at least, they make it a heck of a lot easier to just click the “I accept the terms in the license agreement” than it is to actually read it. To keep you from being overwhelmed by its length, the license is “conveniently” displayed in a little window that’s less than two inches high and less than five inches wide. Only 12 lines of text are visible at a time and reading the license in its entirety requires you to hit the “Page Down” key a total of 35 times. They also don’t point out that when you accept the license, you agree to everything in there. Every last bit of it.

You really should read the iTunes license agreement. About four pages down, under the “Permitted License Uses and Restrictions” heading, you acknowledge that “THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.” (The capitalization is Apple’s, not mine.)

With a little effort I can imagine the sort of Rube Goldberg contraption that would allow iTunes to be used in controlling a nuclear reactor. Something where a rise in the reactor’s core temperature trips a heat sensor which activates the speaker attached to a PC running iTunes. The iTunes computer is playing Barry Manilow’s Mandy at top volume. This wakes the baby who starts crying and startles the squirrel which pulls the string attached to the switch that turns the reactor’s cooling system back on.

So that’s how you can use iTunes to control a nuclear reactor. Using iTunes in air traffic control, etc. is left as an exercise for the student. But here’s the thing, because you agreed to the iTunes license agreement, you’re not allowed to use it that way.

Hit the “Page Down” key another 15 times and under the “Export Control” heading, you’ll find another forbidden use for the iTunes software. Now you’re agreeing (this time without unneeded capitalization) that you won’t use iTunes for “…the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.” It seems to me that if you use the iTunes software to control a nuclear reactor, then whether you know it or not, you’ve already used iTunes to develop a nuclear weapon. (Suppose for example the squirrel chews through the string and isn’t around when baby starts crying? Or what if the baby’s taking a lunch break?)

By making the license agreement so lengthy and giving you such a small display to read it on, Apple pretty much assures that most people won’t read it. And if they don’t read the license, they won’t know that they’ve agreed to not use iTunes to control their nuclear reactors.

And that’s how Steve Jobs is going to destroy the world.

Silliness, Stories

Interstate 270, Clopper Road and Elvis

Back in June, The Gazette carried a Letter to the Editor wondering why I-270 is being repaved but Clopper Road through Germantown is only getting a quick patch job. It’s a fair question; after all, Clopper Road really is in dire need of some new pavement.
To the uninitiated, the answer would appear to be that Interstate 270 is maintained with federal highway funds while Clopper Road falls under county maintenance. The two separate agencies simply don’t have any connection with one another. The deeper answer however involves both Elvis and the fact that Clopper Road is just too curvy.
As you may have heard, The Weekly World News this week ceased publication of its print edition. (The online version will remain, at least for now.) The Weekly World News (WWN) has long been one of the last bastions of investigative journalism, covering such under-reported topics as the reports that not only had Fidel Castro been hospitalized, but that his doctors were Space Aliens and that “Bat Boy” (a half-human, half-bat found living in a cave) had been recruited to help seek out the cave Osama bin Laden is living in.
The decision to cease publication was first made known to the federal government some six months ago, and that’s why this summer has seen a spate of interstate highway construction projects on the East Coast.
Part of the lore of the interstate highway system is that when it was first being laid out, one of the requirements was that a minimum of one out of every three miles had to be straight. That way, in time of war, the interstate highways could also be used as emergency runways for jet fighters. If you’ve ever seen the Space Shuttle return from a mission, then you already know that jet planes aren’t the only things that need long, smooth-surfaced runways.
With the termination of the WWN‘s print edition, the interstates are going to be put into service as the newspapers’ editorial staff leaves the planet to go to their new assignments. And that’s why Clopper Road isn’t being repaved – it’s too curvy to be used as a runway.
The road construction is certainly inconvenient, but there is some good news. At the same time that the WWN‘s staff is leaving, Elvis will at long last be making his comeback tour.
Crossposted to Germantown Info.

Fiction, Silliness, Stories

Post Office News We'll Never Hear

Somehow I doubt we’ll ever see anything like this on the evening news.

News Anchor: Good evening, I’m Greg Daniel and this is Evening News Tonight. Today’s big news story comes from Long Island, New York where physicists at the Brookhaven National Laboratory have stunned the international physics community by creating neutronium in their relativistic heavy collider. For breaking details, we take you to our On the Spot Witness News science reporter, Candace Barr. Candace?

Candace: Hello Greg. I’m standing outside the Brookhaven National Laboratory. With me this evening is Doctor Edith Von Secondberg. Doctor Secondberg, thank you for joining me this evening. Can you please explain to our audience what neutronium is?

Dr. Secondberg: Good evening Candace. Well, simply put, neutronium is the densest form of matter possible in our universe. It usually forms under circumstances of extreme gravity when a star collapses and all the electrons, protons and neutrons are forced together.

Candace: (laughing) But you didn’t collapse a star, did you?

Dr. Secondberg: (also laughing) No, no. What we did was to accelerate a collection of atoms to 20 percent of the speed of light and then cause them to smash into one another. This collision caused them to come together with a force similar to that in a collapsing star, allowing them to form the super dense material we call neutronium.

Candace: When you say this material is “super dense,” can you give us some idea what you mean?

Dr. Secondberg: Well, if you were to picture a block of steel a foot on each side, that would probably weigh several hundred pounds, right? Neutronium is so dense that a mere thimbleful would weigh more than Mount Everest.

Candace: A mountain! You didn’t use a mountain for your experiment, did you?

Dr. Secondberg: (laughing again) Oh no. All told the piece of neutronium we produced is only the size of a grain of sand. I doubt it weighs more than 20 or 30 tons.

Candace: I see. And where is the neutronium right now?

Dr. Secondberg: Oh, we shipped it out to California about half an hour ago so our colleagues at Berkeley can verify that we’ve created what we think we’ve created. You probably saw the truck leaving as your news crew was setting up.

Candace: No, we must have missed it. The only truck we’ve seen since we arrived was the mail truck.

Dr. Secondberg: No that was it all right.

Candace: (puzzled) A mail truck? But you said it weighed 20 or 30 tons. Wouldn’t that require some sort of special equipment to move?

Dr. Secondberg: Not at all. People think scientists have no concept of economy, and I suppose it’s true that some of our colleagues can be spendthrifts at times. But no, we just sent it out through the mail. All told, it cost less than $10.

Candace: How is that even possible?

Dr. Secondberg: Oh, it was easy. My lab assistant Carl had a flat-rate envelope that he’d picked up a few weeks ago. The post office will deliver anything you can fit into one those envelopes to any address in the US for a very reasonable rate, no matter how heavy it is. And this was only the size of a grain of sand.

Silliness

On Proofreading

Various friends have on occasion asked me to read over various things for them to make sure they were clear, had all the necessary information, and to also check for grammatical errors. I’m hardly Conan the Grammarian but I get by. (The role of “Conan” falls to one of the Karens — yes, they’re a collective. Much like the Jens.) The most important rule I’ve learned is this:

Always proofread carefully to make sure you didn’t any words out.

Silliness, Stories

Piracy

Recently, I encountered a fellow who was wearing a black T-shirt with a skull and crossbones emblazoned across the front. Beneath that was the text, “Arrrrrrrrrrr.”
Looking at the shirt, I commented, “Y’know…. there are 25 other letters in the alphabet.”
That stopped him in his tracks. It wasn’t anywhere near the reaction he’d been expecting.

Fandom, Silliness, Stories

There's More Than One Kind of Bunny

During past Shore Leave conventions, I’ve occasionally been asked to introduce one of the guests at the start of a Q&A session. I get a bit self-conscious in front of an audience, but I get by. (Shore Leave is one of the weekends every year when I pretend to be comfortable in that sort of situation.) This year, in addition to two introductions, I was also asked to present some of the thank you gifts.
At the end of Claudia Christian’s Q&A session, I walked onto the stage where she was standing. The first item I handed her was a plush Shore Leave bunny. She hugged the bunny to her chest while I explained that the convention is named for the Shore Leave episode of the original Star Trek. In that episode, one of the first things you see is The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland and that’s become the convention’s mascot.
Like I said, I sometimes get a bit self-conscious in front of an audience. I don’t turn as red as a few years ago, but I undoubtedly changed colors when Claudia quipped, “I thought it was because I was in Playboy.”

Fandom, Silliness

Voldemort is a Sled!

1 Comment

The new (notice I didn’t say “final”) Harry Potter book is coming out tonight at midnight. Just for the heck of it, I’ve decided to be one of the people who’s in line at the book store at one minute after midnight. The notion of seeing people lining up for a book instead of a video game console is just too good to pass up.
Of course, I already know what’s in this book: lots of pages!
As for plot points, you’ll have to decide for yourself whether these are genuine spoilers:

Silliness

Amy's Dashboard

1 Comment

Within a few weeks of arriving in Louisiana, Amy has discovered that her car has attributes in common with solar ovens.
The first experiment, involving crayons in the glove box, got a little messy, but was otherwise quite spectacular. The fact that she essentially created her own waxed paper is interesting too, though it does demonstrate a need to use better protective shielding during future experiments.
For her next experiment, I think she should try using the car to bake some chocolate chip cookies. That way, no matter what the outcome — even if it rains and the dough stays raw — at least there will be some snacks. 🙂

Silliness

Orbital Decay

The Moon’s orbit is decaying. This isn’t anything I’m responsible for, it’s been going on for as long as there’s been a Moon.
It’s worth explaining what that means. When you say that an orbit is decaying, folks generally think that means the object in orbit is going to fall on them. That is what happened to SkyLab, but not to worry. The Moon isn’t going to fall out of the sky. Quite the opposite really.
The orbit of Earth’s Moon is slowly expanding. Every year the Moon’s orbit takes it an average of 1 1/2 inches further away from the Earth. That doesn’t seem like much difference, but over time what that means is eventually The Moon will drift off into space (though not nearly as dramatically as in Space:1999).
Turning it around is also interesting. Looking backwards through time, every year further back, The Moon was another inch and a half closer. Ten years ago it was nearly a foot and a half closer. Looking back 65 million years ago, The Moon orbited at a distance of less than 10 feet.
That’s why the dinosaurs are extinct. They got clobbered.