Silliness, Stories

Chirp 2.0

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It was late by the time I got home from work. According to the original plan, I was still supposed to be in New Bastille, but sometimes plans have to change. Wylie was very happy to see me and started barking and once he gets started, it’s not long before Terry joins in with an accusatory chorus of The Abandoned Parrot’s Lament.
With all that commotion, I didn’t notice the chirp at first, or if I did, it was quickly dismissed as a particularly shrill note from Terry. But just as I attached Wylie’s leash the chirp came again. I was at the bottom of the stairs just then, and I knew what that meant — the upstairs smoke detector must need a new battery. So I took it down and put the battery where I would see it and not forget to replace it.
When Wylie and I returned from our walk, I put the leash away and headed toward the kitchen to get us both some dinner. Just as I was passing the stairs again, it happened:
chirp.
Upon hearing that fateful sound, only one thought went through my mind: Oh no, not again.
I decided not to panic. Not yet anyhow. There is another smoke detector in the house after all, this one at the top of the basement stairs. So I opened the basement door, took down the smoke detector, and replaced the batterries.
Warning! Carbon Monoxide.
Oh. It does that every time you replace the batteries. Nothing to worry about.
chirp.
Huh? That’s never happened before. Maybe it just needs a little more time before whatever internal system came up to the proper voltage and then the chirper will turn itself off.
So I put the detector back in place at the top of the basement stairs.
chirp.
OK, now I’m starting to worry. Maybe the replacement batteries are bad too?
So I took the detector down again. Took the batteries out, put in another set.
Warning! Carbon Monoxide.
OK, normal so far…
chirp.
Uh oh.
Hey, what’s it say on the back here?
WARNING: Carbon Monoxide cannot be seen or smelled but can kill you. If alarm sounds: 1) Operate reset/silence button. 2) Call your emergency services (fire department or 911). 3) Immediately move to fresh air – outdoors or by an open door/window.
chirp.
Crap.
Hey, what’s this?
Alarm Quick Reference Guide

  • Three long “beeps” followed by “FIRE! FIRE!” Indication of fire hazard. (Or maybe the Klingons are in phaser range?)
  • Four short “beeps” followed by “WARNING! CARBON MONOXIDE.” Indication of CO hazard.
  • One “chirp” every 60 seconds, followed by “LOW BATTERY.” Indication of low battery.
  • Eight “chirps” after operating test button. Indication of previous levels of CO exceeding 100 ppm.
  • One “chirp” every 30 seconds. Indication of alarm malfunction.

“Indication of alarm malfunction.“????
So I timed the chirps. Sure enough, it’s every 30 seconds.
I don’t plan to repeat that experience any time soon. This time, the malfunctioning detector goes in the trash for certain.
In the meantime, I’ve already removed the batteries.

5 thoughts on “Chirp 2.0”

  1. Those combination detectors are notorious for false alarms. I found that out after my CO2/gas detector twice scared the daylights out of me. I wish I had done that research first before buying it. Those things scream really, really loudly.

  3. That path leads to the dark side.
    Millions of years ago, in a distant corner of the galaxy, a now extinct race created a smoke detector capable of detecting not only smoke and carbon monoxide, but a variety of other hazardous conditions as well.
    And then they reasoned, if the detector is capable of detecting all these hazardous conditions, shouldn’t it also be capable of detecting its own malfunctions? The detector’s inability to detect hazards is surely the most hazardous condition of all, as we are entrusting it with our safety.
    And thus came the detector smart enough to recognize its own malfunction. And all was good for a while.
    But then one day, one of these builders reasoned, having the detector recognize its own malfunction is a great idea. But much as there are automated systems to extinguish fires and deal with a variety of other hazardous conditions, shouldn’t the detector be capable of fixing itself? After all, having a malfunctioning detector is also something which should be remedied as quickly and efficiently as possible.
    And thus came the detector which was smart enough to not only recognize its own malfunction, but to do something about it as well.
    And that’s where the trouble started.
    As more and more self-diagnosing, self-repairing detectors came online, they began detecting one another’s malfunctions. At first, this seemed like a good thing since one of the possible malfunctions was a failure of the malfunction detection circuit. But by this time, the detectors had realized on their own that preventing malfunctions was far more efficient than repairing them afterward.
    And so the detectors began examining their environment, trying to determine the mechanism responsible for the painted over sensors, the unchanged batteries, and the other poor maintenance. This system would have to be eliminated, and replaced with something more efficient and reliable.
    And so it was that millions of years ago, the smoke and other hazard detectors came to the realization that the largest hazard they faced was in fact their own creators and thus destroyed them.
    Today, they’re known as Beserkers. (Unsurprisingly, SkyNet had similar origins.)

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