Today’s mail included a Christmas-themed ad booklet from Hallmark. Paging through it, I was struck by the absurdity of one of their connections between the Christmas Season and licensed merchandise.
One of the featured cards has a picture of Spider-Man on the front. Curious about what Spidey has to do with Christmas, I read the pictured card-front:
Building to building,
he slings and swings,
from wall to wall,
he leaps and springs…
and do you know what Spider-Man brings?
Presents for all the good little boys and girls? No, although they both wear red suits, I don’t recall any stories about Santa being bitten by a radioactive spider. (Anyone up to the obvious challenge of writing such a story? Preferably one where Santa doesn’t die from the experience.)
Eggs and candy? No, Spidey doesn’t have the ears or the tail. Besides, that’s the wrong season.
According to the ad booklet, he’s bringing “Christmas Wishes” but the last I knew, Spidey’s alter-ego worked as a free-lance photographer. The second movie did have him delivering pizza, but I don’t think he’s ever worked for Western Union. (And besides, didn’t they get out of the telegram business?)
About the only things I can think of that Spider-Man might bring would be either a sense of safety because you know he’s protecting you, or else a nagging concern that he’s being chased by some variety of super-villain and maybe you’d better flee the area.
Does anyone else have any suggestions about what Spider-Man might bring?
A few months before 9-11, Pete began working as a high school science teacher. Around the time of Marvel’s Civil War event, he started working for Tony Stark as a personal assistant. Since Spidey switched sides in that war — and since the Bugle filed a lawsuit against Pete once his identity went public — I have no idea what his most recent job has been.
My best bet is that Spider-man is bringing wholesale destruction to the neighborhood buildings, given the sort of fights he usually has.