It’s been obvious for a while that I need to disguise my true identity when I’m out protecting the planet. One of the more obvious reasons is the need to protect my loved ones. How can I be an effective guardian if the bad guys take my family as hostages? There are some practical concerns too. How do you keep your day job when every little kid in the city is calling you for help when their cat goes up a tree? (And believe me, you’re going to need that day job. Adamantium armor is expensive, and there aren’t very many grants available.)
So you’ve got to keep your identity to yourself. But how?
The “Clark Kent” approach works pretty well. Put on a pair of glasses, slouch a bit to disguise your height, act a little clumsier than average. It’s not dignified, but it’s pretty effective.
Of course, if you’ve seen Superman Returns, you already know the problem: kids see right through this disguise. To them, all adults are tall and compared to the average preschooler, even the clumsiest adults seem fairly graceful. But compared to some others, Superman’s disguise is nothing less than brilliant.
Consider the Batman’s cowl. Sure, if you see Batman, it’s unlikely you’ll recognize him as Bruce Wayne. The cowl does an admirable job of hiding his features, but there’s a reason he’s a creature of the night. Can you imagine the tan lines if the Batman went out during the day? You wouldn’t recognize Batman as Bruce Wayne, but seeing Bruce with a tan jaw on an otherwise pale face might cause some questions.
Quite a few other heroes wear distinctive angular masks that exactly follow the orbits of their eyes. They run into similar problems with distinctive angular tan lines that exactly follow the orbits of their eyes. Not exactly hard to notice.
Of course, the worst disguise of all is the one worn by Spiderman.
To be certain, Spiderman’s mask does cover his entire face. Spidey doesn’t have any tan lines to contend with and Peter Parker’s pale complexion ties in with his reputation as a bookworm. The full-face mask presents some other problems though.
First off, Spiderman breathes through his mask. That means the mask is going to catch some of the moisture from his exhalations, after a while, it’s going to get damp. He’s not going to want to wear the same mask two days in a row. And if Peter Parker eats anything aromatic – for example, pizza with extra garlic – Spiderman will be smelling it all day. Frequent laundering is therefore a necessity and we just have to hope that Spidey’s masks don’t fade in the wash.
That’s still not the worst of it though. Spiderman uses web slinging as a way to travel with the result that both hands are frequently in use at the same time. One hand holds the trailing web while the other hand spins the next web. Suppose both hands are thus occupied and Spiderman, with his mask that covers his entire face, is suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable urge to sneeze?
It’s no wonder then that the Fantastic Four decided early on to just make their identities public.