The Schweitzer Chronicles (pt 5)

Three months after we “sleighed” the shuttle, it became clear that folks thought we were still a going concern. So, it was time to enter another status report. I still wanted to have some fun with it though, so returning to form, I looked up the dialogue for the “Dead Parrot” sketch. I started off trying to rewrite the entire thing, but eventually decided to go with something a bit shorter.
Only time will tell whether we need to write something along the lines of, “I’m not dead yet!”
Being deceased, Captain Charles Foster Kane has relinquished command to Admiral Praline.
Admiral Praline is, of course, played by John Cleese. Who incidentally has no idea whatsoever that he’s been put in charge of anything. A CO who is unaware of the position tends to make fewer errors, so this may be for the best.
XOs are, of course, completely prefect. 🙂
Evidently the September MSR was a bit too obscure. Lots of people received the MSR, but even the folks who normally do “get” our MSR didn’t recognize the Citizen Kane reference to mean that the Schweitzer had been “sleighed.”
So, putting tongue in cheek and switching back to more familiar material, we shall now attempt to remedy that deficiency.
(With apologies to Monty Python and Jerry Tien)
Admiral Praline: Now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That spacecraft is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half a decade ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a Five Year Mission!
ShOC: Well, it’s…it’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.
Admiral Praline: PINING FOR THE FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
ShOC: Well that class of shuttle craft prefers sleepin’ on its back! Remarkable ship, isn’t it, squire? Lovely warp nacelles!
Admiral Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that shuttle when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on the launchpad in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
ShOC: Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that ship down, it would have nuzzled up to the launch gantry, bent the docking clamps apart with its tractor beam, and FOOM!
Admiral Praline: “FOOM”?!? Mate, this shuttle wouldn’t “FOOM” if you put four million phaser bolts through it! It’s bleeding demised!
ShOC: No no! It’s pining!
Admiral Praline: It’s not pining! It’s passed on! This shuttlecraft is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to the great scrapyard in the sky! It’s a derelict! Bereft of crew, it drifts in space! If you hadn’t nailed it to the launchpad it’d have drifted through the Neutral Zone and crashed into a Romulan cruiser by now! Its exploratory functions are no more! It’s off its beam! It’s been decommissioned, it’s shuffled off its warp drive coil, run down the impulse engines and joined the bleeding Ghost Fleet!! THIS IS AN EX-SHUTTLE!!


ShOC: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (Jerry takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look around the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of shuttles.
Admiral Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.
ShOC: I got a Klingon Bird of Prey…
Admiral Praline: I’ll take it!